growing a new skin

Tonight, I was so lucky to get the chance to hear one of my sweet friends play guitar and sing at a local coffee shop.  (Shameless plug, here:  http://rachelstevener.com/)  She's very talented, so I mean it when I say I was lucky to hear her.

One of her songs, in particular, had a line that struck me:

I asked the sky for sun today, but the sky decided rain was a better way to make things grow.



As I've gone through this year, I've had a lot of sunshine.  But to be honest, I feel a little like the title of that song:  inside out.  Because my attitude actually tends towards the opposite of the one in this line.  What I mean is, I always associate growth with rain.  I see how God has done so much work in my life during the hard times, so much so that I've come to expect those times to be the only times where He teaches me.  When things seem sunny, I'm either wondering what I'm doing wrong, or I'm looking at the sky, searching for the dark clouds that are sure to be rolling in, waiting for the storm to let loose in all its magnificent glory.  And I actually delight in those storms, which is not something I want to lose ahold of.

But thankfully, God has brought me to understand the truth behind the words above: just like actual plants, He uses both rain and sunshine to grow His people.

Let me explain what I mean with a beautiful example from the past few weeks.

I've been working part-time with the campus ministry of RUF this past year.  I've also been in seminary full-time.  This means that I've been very, very busy.  My job with RUF is based on support, but frankly, support-raising with this many constraints on your time is difficult.  So when I got a call a little over two weeks ago that my account with RUF was in deficit, and that I wouldn't get paid if I didn't raise enough to get it back in the positive, I wasn't exactly surprised.  Stressed, frustrated with myself, anxious, despairing...yes.  But not surprised.

So I spent the next two days on the phone with the RUF office in Atlanta, and praying.  Or perhaps arguing, would be more accurate.  Responding in frustration to God, telling Him that now was really not a good time to have to deal with this, between the four papers, five exams, the waiting to hear about a job for next year, the contemplating having to tell my dear students I wouldn't be returning, the deep sadness at leaving RUF, and the deep fear over what my life will look like without it...  I asked God why He would add this stressor to my mind, and how would I find time to raise the amount I needed and still finish all the schoolwork that was due?

And then of course, the following prayer of repentance, and asking God to simply let me respond to this in holiness, to trust Him, and to not completely fall apart.  To submit my anxiety to the truths of His Word.  To give me the strength to follow through with the tasks He'd set before me.

The second of those two days, I sat in a Books-a-Million and calculated out about how much support I'd need to raise in the next two weeks to bring my account back...and it ended up being about $2,000.  So I wrote out some note cards to some supporters, and asked them to pray that God would raise those funds.  ... Two days after that, I found out that the church I grew up in cut me a check for RUF at their meeting earlier in the week.

This means that two days before I had even found out my account was in trouble, a decision was made to send $2,000, the exact amount I needed, to RUF for my support.  Before I even knew I had a problem, God had already taken care of it.

But interestingly enough, He still let me go through the stress and anxiety before showing me the solution.  And I think I've realized why.  Heading into exams, into the end of something I've been involved in for the past seven years, moving to a new town, and starting a new job that I'm so afraid I'll fail at...these will be difficult things.  But with such a mighty proof of His hand on my life, and of His provision for me, my trust has been strengthened so immensely that I'm thankful it's happened.  For now I have something to cling to as I head into the unknown, and face so many stressful and difficult things.

And I also think that God was using this, along with so many other things that have happened in my life this year, to show me that He can grow me through sunshine just as well as rain.  That we can learn as much about Him through the things that make us smile as the ones that make us cry.  For I have certainly learned that yes, God disciplines His children.  He sometimes allows the difficult things to happen to teach us, to admonish us, or to remind us of our need for Him.  But He also delights in His children, and takes pleasure in blessing them with pleasing things.  He showers us with gifts simply because He loves us, and likes us.

And all this sunshine has reminded me of the deep, deep love God has for me, individually, specifically, uniquely.  I've never felt more a part of a love story in my life.  I've never felt more like a delighted little child.  I've never been more content.  I feel like I'm growing a new skin, one that basks in the sun even while yearning for the coolness of rain.  I feel like I've been sending out roots into soil, ones that search for the moisture of rain-soaked dirt, but that now I'm finally allowing the spring to coax me out of the ground like a shoot of green, tentatively spreading forth tender leaves that shyly trace the path of the sun through the skies.  And I don't think I've ever been happier.

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.