Well, it has obviously been a while since I was last here...but there is much to tell. And most of it will not be told. (Mainly due to a desire to not write an entire book.)
I am writing this post after long silence simply to exclaim that which has been filling my heart for the past few months: joy. Joy in quietude, joy in abundance. I have, in the past, written of my struggle for joy (see December's post); I thought it was high time to report back with how God has answered my prayers above and beyond what I ever expected.
After moving from Alabama and entering seminary, I must say that I did expect a small measure of joy to return. (After all, while I did come to love Alabama, I've always been a Carolina girl. I've felt that every time I drove over the state line; something about the Carolinas just feels like I've come home, and I'm more myself.) Yet I also had many fears over where I was headed. Fears that moving back would feel like failure. Fears that continuing with RUF wasn't actually where I was called. But mostly, fears regarding seminary.
Mixing faith and academics...what an awesome thought! And indeed, one to be handled very carefully. One of my greatest fears upon entering seminary was that beginning to study one with the other would lead to pride and drought. And I still believe this fear was not unfounded, and something I must guard myself against continuously; many friends who have gone this route before me experienced this themselves, and as I already struggle with pride, I am in no way exempt from this danger. Yet it is not my aim here to explain to you how to avoid this; I'm sure there are ways, but I simply desire to proclaim to you, quite enthusiastically, that God has been incredibly gracious to me. For praise God, he has given me a delight in Him and His Word that I truly don't think I've experienced, to date.
Examples. I was very afraid that learning theology would deaden joy; indeed, believers subscribing to reformed theology seem to be known for their lack of passion. (Sometimes this label is just, and sometimes it is not.) Yet somehow, God has allowed my theology class not to deaden, but to awaken. Truly, the more I learn, the more my love of God, my delight in God, my awe of God, my humility before God, and my trust in God...it has all been delightfully deepened! And I never would have expected it. A few weeks ago, driving home from the women's retreat, I was moved to tears over the thought of the Gospel, and God's plan of salvation for his people, spread over the ages. For the first time in my life (to my shame). And I promise, I am not writing any of this to seem "super spiritual;" anyone who knows me knows well both my detestation of anything overly sentimental as well as my distrust of emotions in general.
Yet there is truth in these things, and emotions do not make the truth false. There needs be a balance between mind, will, and emotions, and I have always been lacking in the emotions section. As God has graciously begun to alter this, I cannot but show that he has indeed done so. How God has overcome my personality and my failings, blessed me abundantly, and made Himself irresistible to me. To show how good he has been.
Of course life is still hard sometimes. Of course there have also been trials. And of course I have been dramatic about them, always giving them more weight than they deserve. But I cannot tell you how joyful I am, even in the trials, even in the tears. I truly delight in what I'm doing, because God is drawing me nearer to him through all of it.
"Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth thou art;
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart."
**This post really would make a lot more sense if you read December's post.
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